The Stupidest Fanfic Ever
by Cadie
Summary: Hakaro, Kutaba, and Cassiel are three of the world's biggest idiots. How on Earth can they save the world from The Evil Confederation of Foxes is what I haven't even figured out!
1. The Story Begins

Chapter 1-The Story Begins  
  
Once upon time, Kutaba, Hakaro, and Cassiel were sitting on the wall around the royal palace of Tortall. It was so very hot that you'd think they would be in the shade; but these are idiots we're talking about here. Then Bakura ran in and screamed, "What IS this logic?!?!" about the cup and ball-on-a-string that he was holding. "Dunno," said Kutaba. "I can't figure this out either." He/She held out a Ye Olde Ping-Pong Racquete and shrugged. Bakura vanished in a flash of light and now the story really begins. Cassiel took a drink of her Ye Olde Lemonadee and said, "We shall become the cheese alliance." "No," said Hakaro, "we shall defeat the cheese alliance, for there already is one. It is the jousting team owned by Ye Olde Kaiba Corp.e. And we have a match against them in half an hour, you idiots!"  
"Oops, I guess we are idiots if we could forget something that fast," said Kutaba. So then they collected all their equipment: armor, swords, horses, and duel monsters rocks, and ran not walked to the nearest jousting field. "We are the Jigglypuff/Bobs, here to defeat the cheese alliance," they shouted. "Oh, that's too bad," said the announcer from Pokémon (this is his weekend job). "We just gave the trophy to the cheese alliance because we figured they'd win. You guys, suck, no offense, so I saved you from a beating. ^_^!" Hakaro looked down at her Ye Olde Tennis Shoes. "Well, even if we're not the best team [understatement of the year], you could have AT LEAST LET US TRY!!! FOR ALL THAT IS RIGHT AND JUST, TELL ME THAT THEY DIDN'T PAY YOU TO DO THIS!!!" Then Hakaro breathed fire at the announcer guy. "Well," said the slightly singed announcer, "I won't tell you then. I don't want to get another Fire Blast like that."  
"Errrrrrrr.that lousy announcer dude," said Kutaba, "Ye Olde Kaiba Corp.e has corrupted all of Tortall. Let's get them."  
So the intrepid adventurers (aka idiots) snuck into Ye Olde Kaiba Corp.e at the end of a second grade field trip. They were in disguise as third graders. Cassiel had pigtails, Kutaba had a lunchbox on his/her head, and Hakaro had flowery overalls. Walking on their knees, they were even the same height as the kids. They quickly ducked out of the line because the security guards were looking at them weirdly. "Maybe we should have been chaperones," whispered Kutaba as they hid behind a potted plant. The guards for some reason could still see them, so they ran down a hallway and into a door labeled "Not the Room Where Kaiba is Being Held Captive".  
"Dude, I wonder if there's a vending machine in there," said Hakaro. "I want a Sprite." "You idiot," Cassiel reminded her, "They wouldn't have Sprite in a Ye Olde Kaiba Corp.e vending machine; you'll have to get a Ye Olde Mountaine Dewe." "Right..Let's break the door down!" And so they did. Using Kutaba's head as a battering ram, they smashed it up and stepped inside the room to find Kaiba tied up in a chair. "Dude! Are you a vending machine?" Hakaro asked.  
"No, I am Seto Kaiba!" Kaiba replied, irritated.  
"Oh, no, you're not. This room says, 'Not the Room Where Kaiba is Being Held Captive'! You can't fool me, you imposter!" Cassiel said triumphantly.  
"I AM Seto Kaiba! That sign is there to fool idiots like you! Now untie me so I can take back my company from the Evil Confederation of Foxes."  
Because I am tired of writing dialogue, just know that because the three were idiots, they untied him and then followed him to the "There are No Evil Foxes in This Room" room. 


	2. Oh no! Evil foxes!

Chapter 1½-Oh no! Evil foxes!  
  
"Hey, are you three still following me? Go away, I'm really busy," said Kaiba.  
"Can I have a Ye Olde Mountaine Dewe, Mr. Vending Machine?" Hakaro asked, being slightly out of it all without her daily caffeine. Kaiba never got a chance to answer, because the door suddenly opened and a voice said, "Come in, all of you."  
"You monsters! I will destroy you and take back my company, AND save my brother!" Kaiba screamed as he leapt into the room. Hakaro, Kutaba and Cassiel trailed in after, and there, behind a big executive-type desk, sat Fox McCloud (from Star Fox) and Spy Fox (from the computer game Spy Fox). Kaiba was out cold on the floor. The foxes clinked their wine glasses together and laughed evilly. "Your friend has found out about our personal force fields the hard way! Ahahahahaha! It is impossible to defeat us! Ahahahahaha!"  
"Oh no! You killed Vending Machine Dude!" cried Cassiel. Kutaba looked around and then took a bite out of the executive-type desk. Apparently, he/she liked it, because he/she kept eating. The foxes were really laughing now. "Ahahaha! It's a really stupid alien! Look at him/her consume that plywood!" "Really?" asked Hakaro, "It looks like veneer to me." (Veneer is a fancy word for plywood.) "Hey," said Spy Fox, "I think you're right." "What are you talking about? That is so plywood!" shouted Fox McCloud. The two foxes started snarling at each other and then when Fox McCloud tried to Firefox Spy Fox, the force fields collided, and they both were knocked out. (A really dumb way to defeat the bad guys, I know, but.)  
Cassiel slapped Kaiba's face politely to wake him up, which he did. Kaiba said, "The purple sock is drinking gelatin in the middle of the daylight!" Hearing this, Hakaro was touchingly concerned for Vending Machine Dude's sanity, but Kaiba was already out the door, looking for Mokuba. As soon as Kutaba finished eating the desk, they followed Kaiba again; leaving a neat pile of nails, screws, and metal fastenings on the floor. 


	3. The Time Machine

Chapter 2-The Time Machine  
  
Kaiba was questioning Slippy (toad off Star Fox), grabbing him around the neck and smacking Slippy's head against a Ye Olde Washing Machinee.  
"I." *smack* "don't." *smack* "know." *smack* "anything!" *smack!* Slippy squeaked. Kaiba opened the Ye Olde Washing Machinee and held Slippy inside.  
"EEEEK! Ok, I'll talk! But I think you already know most of it. The Evil Confederation of Foxes, with a little help from Pegasus, build a pitfall (literally), captured you with it, and took over Kaiba Corp. As a little thank you, we gave your brother to Pegasus. Then, we used my time machine to travel here, and we are taking over this world by their complete dependence on us for everthing. Ahahahaha.... Laughing like that's not my job," said Slippy.  
Kaiba, by the look on his face, would have liked to put Slippy in the washing machine after all, but of course, he would never find the time machine without Slippy. (Maybe, as it was sitting in the corner of the room labeled "So Not a Time Machine!") This of course, convinced Kutaba, Hakaro, and Cassiel that it was a broom closet. They climbed in and hid in the cargo bin. So, when Kaiba and Slippy got in, they didn't notice them.  
  
"Now, take me to my time, Domino City in the time of Duel Monsters," Kaiba commanded. Slippy said, "What about the foxes? Without the time machine, they'll be stranded in the past forever.oh, I take it that's your point." Kaiba nodded. "Exactly. Now, who is running Kaiba Corp in the present?" "Sly Fox!" said Slippy. Beep beep beep! "Now we have arrived at your time," said Slippy. Kaiba saw a bit of movement behind the seat. "What was that?" Kutaba, Cassiel and Hakaro jumped up. "SURPRISE!" they shouted, flinging confetti (and the lunch box) everywhere. "What the F**K!" Kaiba shouted. "Well," said Cassiel, "everyone likes a surprise party on their birthday." "It's not my birthday, and I've had as much crap as I can stand from you three. Now get out of here and leave me alone from now on! And my name is NOT Vending Machine Dude, it's SETO KAIBA!!"  
Kaiba continued to rant about idiots following him around, while the three tiptoed out of the room, sadly. "That's the saddest thing I've ever heard," said Hakaro, wiping a tear from her eye. "All he ever really wanted was to be alone." Kutaba blew his/her nose very loudly. "One thing I don't understand though," he/she said "if he didn't want to be called Vending Machine Dude, why did he get a job as a vending machine?" 


	4. Kaiba Corp

Chapter 3-Kaiba Corp  
  
Kaiba walked toward the Kaiba Corp building, his trench coat whooshing up behind him like always. (.the Kaiba Corp and the Ye Olde Kaiba Corp.e buildings were built in slightly different locations, so when the time machine came to the present, it was in the building across the street instead of inside Kaiba Corp) He was almost inside the door when he stopped. The last foxes had had those irritating force fields that were so painful to run into. Kaiba decided to sneak in and catch the fox by surprise. Hopefully he could find something large and heavy, like the old dueling disks, to throw at the fox before it could activate the force field. Kaiba snuck off to the "secret entrance that only Kaiba knows about", which is why he didn't see Cassiel, Kutaba, and Hakaro walk in the main entrance disguised as pizza delivery girls (and alien). They offered the pizza to the guards at the front desk, but because the pizza was really a Ye Olde Bike Tyre with some of the confetti on it, the guards were not hungry. Unsurprisingly, they tried to throw the "pizza delivery girls and alien" out of the building, but they hid behind a potted plant again. I guess these guards were even stupider than the three they were chasing, because they ran right past and didn't see them.  
Seto Kaiba was walking through the deserted halls of Kaiba Corp, dueling disk in one hand and a coffee pot in the other. Then he walked around a corner and bumped into Samus Aran. "Sorry," Kaiba said, and tried to run before anyone saw him, but it was too late. Samus grabbed him with her griphook. Kaiba struggled futile-y against the bolt of green-yellow- glowy-stuff but Samus just pulled it tighter. This was one angry bounty hunter. "Let me go or I'll pour boiling espresso on you!" Kaiba threatened. "I will not be stopped from rescuing Mokuba from the foxes by some weirdo in a robot suit."  
Samus let him go as quickly as she had grabbed him. She held her hand into a shadow puppet of a fox head and then whacked her hand with her blaster. Then she held out her hand palm up (like 'pay up, pay up'). By this intelligent sign language, Kaiba understood that the foxes had cheated her on a bounty and she wanted revenge. Normally Kaiba would have given his "cooperation is for boy scouts and nursery schools" speech, but Yugi wasn't around to hear, and he really could use some help. "C'mon," Kaiba said, "If we climb in the ventilation shafts, then we can search for Spy Fox without anyone finding us." Samus shrugged, it was fine with her.  
  
So Kaiba is in the ventilation system, so is Samus, and our heroes are behind a potted plant, but where is Slippy? Well, while Kaiba was shouting at the three morons who are the main characters, Slippy escaped and headed for the hills.of Johto! Where he was attacked by wild Rattata, until Ash, Misty and Brock came up. "Hey, look! It's a pokémon!" said Ash, and held out the pokédex. "Politoed- The alternate evolution of Polywhirl," said the pokédex. "What the hell, I'm not a Politoed, I'm Slippy Toad!" said Slippy.  
"Wow! A Slippytoed! I'm gonna catch it!" shouted Ash. "Pikachu, thunderbolt!" Slippy said, "Oh, shit!" BZZAAAAPPP!!!!  
No matter how many times Ash threw a pokéball, Slippy wouldn't be caught. (D'uh. He's not a pokémon!) So, Ash tied a string around Slippy's neck and dragged him along. An ingenious solution, but one that brought Slippy into contact with way too many rocks, tree roots, and old pieces of gum on the path.  
Coincidentally, that path was the path back to Domino City. So Slippy had an additional incentive to escape from his new trainer, above and beyond the frequent training sessions with a pack of savage animals that had mutated to spew fire, water, poison, or high-voltage electricity at poor Slippy. Ah, yes, this has been quite the bad week for Slippy. And the horoscope in the paper warns that "sometimes things have to get worse before they get better." Oh well. 


End file.
